All I Ever Wanted
by the upward glance
Summary: Is there life after farewell? Is there hope in absence? Two young men find both, in each other. "You're my dream, too." Black/N, Isshushipping.


**A/N: I've intended to write this story for almost five years, which is crazy. As soon as I played Black through all that time ago (I cried at the end tbh; I just replayed it for "research purposes" and still cried at the end lol), I knew I had to do something for Black/Touya/Hilbert and N. To me, with all the events and dialogue, the protagonist/N pairing is canon. He goes off to search for him for crying out loud. And seeing as how I picked a boy character because I am a boy (who happens to be gay) it meant a lot to me to have basically a canonically queer romance in a game. I wanted to use the plot and confines of the game, while adding my own inferences and meaning. I hope you'll enjoy it. I might write more for them one day because I love them both dearly. N is definitely one of my favorite characters in the series.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon, nor do I own the lyrics from the song _Sara_ written by the goddess Miss Stevie Nicks. I did not profit from their use (I only wanted to add another layer of emotion).

 **All I Ever Wanted**

Memories, like seasons, grow and wither with time. What was once a shining moment rusts and crumbles and yields to the wind like so many tattered leaves. And yet some remain, whether too stubborn or too precious to fade into oblivion. What had started as weeks became months became years. Despite the procession, I never forgot him—his aura, his eyes, his smile. In the crushing solitude of night I would wonder if I could have stopped him, if I just told him some approximation of the feelings that at the time had just begun to bloom he would have remained. I still recall that briny burn of tears in my eyes I refused to let fall as his and the dragon's form drifted farther and farther, until being lost to the horizon, the lurch that swelled in my stomach and heart at the thought of such loss. He couldn't, couldn't, not now, not yet.

 _There's a heartbeat that never really died..._

If I were asked to pinpoint the specific moment I grew to love him I do not know if I could. Perhaps it was the way he spoke, so assuredly and with such passion, of life and the equations which calculate each moment, of perfection and ideals. At first it all seemed beyond me, yet I understood. I wasn't like Cheren and Bianca; I knew myself. I wanted to grow with my Pokemon, to see the world, for us to become better together, not to prove myself to anyone. Becoming the hero of truth meant above all I saw into myself. I suppose that's why I resented my childhood friends. They lacked perspective, vision, ability. Bianca could barely keep herself together. Her heart would be in the right place, but her mind lost. Cheren obsessed with strength and competing against me to in some way validate his existence. His attempts to help me or do good were always tinged to my eyes with duplicity. In the end I suppose he approached some sense of understanding. While they both gravitated to me, I never felt much for them. I might sound cold, but it's honest. We were thrust into the same quest, yet we all made it out with varying degrees of aplomb, with varying degrees of effort. What I never found in them, I found in him. Someone who looked at me and really, really saw me, who knew all of which I was capable. And yet it seemed we were pitted against each other. He would speak in riddle and I'd endeavor to untangle each word.

When he told me he was the king of Team Plasma as we slowly ascended in the ferris wheel, I realized I should feel shock, betrayal perhaps. I didn't. I thought of the view, the boundless sky and earth, how funny it was that the two of us, so slight in contrast to those vistas, had found each other in that moment, held the future in our hands. I wonder if he thought that, too. He was simply fighting for the world he believed in. While he arrived at the wrong answer, he still saw the same issue as I: that the world was filled with those who used Pokemon for the wrong reasons, who battled for greedy or detrimental ends. We both saw lack of compassion. What he didn't realize was that separating the two species didn't necessarily save either: the root cause remained. Only by both aspiring to grander heights tomorrow after tomorrow could there be a more perfect world. Nonetheless, he considered me his equal, challenged me to prove myself right. It wasn't like with Cheren, a sort of unclean rivalry born out of a lesser clinging to a superior with desperate need. We were battling ideas, with our Pokemon besides us, not as tools, but as extensions of our will. I suspected as to why we treated them so differently than most.

I was raised by a single mother, as an only child. I don't resent her at all, nor am I ungrateful for the life I had, the way she raised me. But from my earliest days what I recall most clearly is a sense of loneliness. She tried to curb this by having me spend time with the neighbors' children, Bianca and Cheren, but it didn't help. What did was spending time with her Pokemon. They were creatures who didn't make demands, have expectations, or act just for themselves. They were patient, giving, they saw, saw me. We would spend afternoons playing in the house, learning to communicate. It made me yearn for Pokemon of my own. Later as I found out, N was an orphan, raised by Pokemon until Ghetsis came upon him. They were his life, his mentors, his loved ones. He could communicate with them as only I could dream. They filled roles in our lives no one else occupied, or could. And so they weren't just means to an end for us, but ends in themselves. He drew me in, even before I knew all that. When I'd look into his eyes I found a sense of quiet understanding beneath his fervor, his dissatisfaction.

* * *

I visited that ferris wheel month after month the first year, hoping he'd be inspired by the same nostalgia. He never came. The insistence in my heart ebbed, and I questioned whether anything transpired between us at all but a misalignment of fate. I was bitter, all the while trying to forget how so much as a look from him spurred the beating of my heart. Where could he have gone? What sights could he have seen? Surely enough grandeur to make him forget me. Though I knew such a thought was laced too fatally with self pity. His life was his own. Whatever he needed to do to find his way, to come to terms with the enormity of the betrayal he suffered, that was his right. I hoped he could find peace, truly. Still, as selfish as it was, I wanted that peace to be with me.

 _No it never really died..._

After rounding up the last of the seven sages, and Looker told me about sightings of someone riding a legendary Pokemon in the sky in far off regions, I knew what my goal had to be, now. I had to find him. If he wouldn't return, I would go to wherever it was that he wandered. I, too, had a legendary dragon. It wasn't impossible. After becoming champion, after vanquishing Plasma, there wasn't much left for me. I performed the obligations, met challengers who were full of ambition but lacked heart, all of whom exemplifying the world which he had sought to change. They all fell easily before me. The act grew tiresome. My elite four sensed it, but I never attempted to befriend them. We treated each other with the requisite respect, nothing more. I wasn't Alder, especially after losing the one who made me want to be all of my depth at any given moment, want to be better. It were as though a part of me perished, froze, leaving a functioning shell but that's all. How could he have undone me? It seemed so ridiculous. My actions lapsed into robotics, and I hated it. It made sense to resign my post. No one understood; I didn't expect them too, nor asked for it. I was replaced with a dragon user. It seemed some oblique form of poetic justice. I then told my mother, who wasn't overjoyed at the prospect of her only child venturing into the further unknown, alone, to try to locate a person not endeared to Unova. She could see the change that had come over me in the year of his absence, though. If it mattered to me, she'd abide the journey.

Once the high of purpose and inspiration died off, I realized the enormity of my task. He could be anywhere in the world. The chances of me stumbling upon him were against me. But if anything I learned in our separation that a life without him wasn't with living. A fitting lesson after what we'd been though, I suppose. In my travels, I'd ask of him. I'd describe him and Zekrom, which usually won me incredulity or derision of bemusement. I'm sure I seemed crazy, hair and clothes tattered by the wind, breathless and exacting. A few recognized my description, and I wondered why a placidity would descend upon them, a knowing mien in their gaze. They would disclose the general direction of his course, and that's where I would follow. Months passed, and it seemed my timing was never right. Eventually my trail went cold. I was tired, mentally and physically drained. I decided to return with Reshiram.

As I got closer and closer to Unova though, the trail revived. There was talk of a green haired boy who resembled N riding Zekrom, returning to face a regrouped Ghetsis. I couldn't breathe the first time I heard those words, and broke out in a cold sweat. It couldn't be true. The next time I thought, "Perhaps..." The third time I smiled. I hurried to Nimbasa City as fast I could, before doing anything else. Night lowered its chilling curtains, the many lights of the bustling city like flashes jolting memories of him to stunning life. I approached the ferris wheel, full of child-like hope beyond all reason. There were no crowds at this hour. A tall, lithe form waited, swathed in shadow. Even at this distance I knew it was him, and my pace which I had endeavored to keep even quickened to a dash. The waiting had not been in vain. I knew, I knew he would come back to me. I slowed once I drew near. He had matured, quite clearly. All innocence of his visage was replaced with knowledge, clarity, assurance of purpose. That soft beneficence remained, however, the smile just as I remembered it.

"I so hoped you would come."

* * *

 _Would you swallow all your pride?_

The machine groaned and whirred with familiar protest, the rush of the wind flushing our cheeks, tussling his long, silken hair. All my resentment and accusation paled in his physical presence, fled from my mind. He seemed a vision, some phantom of my mind, too perfect to be real. We passed the first moments in comfortable silence, each of us reliving our time together in our own ways, as well as appreciating the now. I felt his hand grip mine gently.

"If you don't mind, I'll speak first. I'm sure you have many questions, if not barbed words. Both of which I understand. But first, please... let me thank you. For showing me a whole new realm of possibility, a greater truth which lead me on this path I've traveled for two years. It's incredible that much time has elapsed, it seems just a few blinks in the stream of eternity. When I first met you I was full of my own arrogant certainty, as well as my fa-...as Ghetsis' deceit. The love you showed your Pokemon seemed to contradict everything I knew...what I've seen in my travels confirms it many times over. Humans and Pokemon belong together, to learn from each other, to help each other, in many different ways, not just through battle but battle too. Pokemon are already perfect, just as they are. And by listening to them and loving them, humans can be better as well. I feel like I've been reborn, like I've been given a new way of life. And it's because of you." His hand squeezed mine, and I neared the verge of tears once more.

"N..."

"I met a trainer recently who reminded me of you. Similar goals, similar dispositions. But something was missing. It didn't feel right being in his presence. We even rode this ferris wheel. I didn't know if I'd...if you'd..."

A pause. I knew what he meant. It took me several breaths to regain my will. "Do you remember what you told me, before you left?"

"Yes, but..."

"I've realized something in these two years as well. Dreams aren't always what you first think they are. They change and grow, with the person dreaming them. I knew why you had to go. It hurt me, much deeper than I could have anticipated, but I understood. I thought I wanted to be the greatest trainer. Because I loved Pokemon, and because I believed in what we could do together. And I did it. But when you left, after all our time together, I realized that being the champion meant nothing. My dream, in the end, was you."

Quiet enveloped us once more. Whatever his reply, I was simply grateful for this moment, for having him with me once more and speaking the words of my heart. Our eyes met in the dim, brimming with moonlight and intensity. He pulled me to him, kissing with ardor of which I had yearned but never deemed possible. He left me breathless, shaking, wanting more but terrified of the prospect.

"Every time I heard a Pokemon sing praises of its trainer I thought of you. Every time we took to the sky I thought of when I left, and the goodbye that seemed so horribly insufficient. Every time I saw strangers smile I wished I could see yours, for just an instant. So I might relive it. I was afraid you wouldn't forgive me, and I would have accepted that. If I came to feel for you this way, surely you must have for me as well. That was my deduction. And I was the one that took to the wind. Please believe that there was no other way, and that should you want it, any adventure under the sky shall be ours to share, Black."

"I do want it, N. That's my dream."

"I thought they were hard to make come true...but in the end, it's just a matter of patience, and trust."

 _Ah... could you speak a little louder?_

* * *

Sunlight flitted in through the open window, spilling over our naked bodies. I lay in his arms, his forefinger lazily tracing the shape of my mouth. Every so often in what seemed like luscious epochs I would kiss it, and he'd smile into my hair. I'd never had a lover before, but this exceeded any daydreams I'd had about it. He was tender in the right moments, exacting, passionate, silent, attending. I wondered if he could somehow understand me on some other level too. Or if, perhaps, some people were just made so utterly perfect for each other. It didn't seem possible, and yet I feared if I questioned it any further he would vanish once more to a pinprick on the vast tapestry of heaven. I thought about what we might do. I knew I wanted no one else but him, wanted to build a life with him, and perhaps one day a family. But right now the world was our oyster. We had youth and infinite possibility on our side.

"What are you thinking?" He spoke softly into my ear, not quite a whisper, not quite with any intention beyond his voice to be heard by me alone.

"Of everything we can do. You?"

"How I don't want this moment to fade. Also, breakfast."

I laughed, got up, pulled on some shorts and went off to cook. I examined the contents of my poorly stocked fridge. Luckily I had seen fit to go to the market at least once since my return to the apartment. I rented a penthouse in the loftiest high rise in Black City. Sharing a name with my place of residence was a bit embarrassing, so I gave them an alternative, Hilbert. I was grateful no one recognized me. I suppose as far as champions go, I didn't receive the same notoriety. I decided upon poached eggs with spring greens, vinaigrette, and sliced tomato. By the look on N's faced as he sampled my work, I could tell he was pleased. We spent the day languidly, catching up on lost time, indulging again in more intimate moments. At sunset we took a stroll through the foggy, bustling metropolis. The neon lights, the bleeding sky, the steam and clouds all mingled together to create an otherworldly atmosphere, as though only we strode through street and avenue. I no longer felt connected to anything but him; he was my home now, not this city, nor Unova. After two years of wandering, loss, doubt, and hollowness, it was strange to suddenly overflow with a sense of joy and completion.

"I want to leave here, with you."

He smiled, taking my hand. "I promised you any adventure your heart desired, and I meant it."

Could Fortune in the end be such a sweet and generous mistress? Could years of loneliness be so rewarded and forgotten? We hadn't said the words yet but they were wove as gold thread through our every action. I loved him with a depth I never dreamed possible. The heart is a stunning alchemist, turning mere moments to such ardor. I doubted myself. I was turning my back on so much. Voices of obligation to whom I had always answered screeched into my ears. I let my mind grow quiet, and dropped into the truest seat of my emotions. Everyone had found their place and had some form of comfort, all but myself. I would do as I pleased, and it would be glorious.

"Can we...go to Sinnoh? I've heard such stories about it."

"They say it's where our world began...it would be interesting to explore. I never reached it, and I'd be happy to go with you. Or anywhere."

"Good."

"Black?"

"Yeah?" I turned to him, his eyes were shining like crystal in the waning sun, full of meaning.

"You're my dream, too."

 _All I ever wanted was to know that you were dreaming..._


End file.
